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The Adventures of the Troubling Toddler

Your baby has officially entered the toddler stage, and he or she is exploring everything. And by everything that means everything. Walking, talking, things they can touch and things they definitely shouldn’t. And you’re learning all about your adventurous mini human.

Walk, don’t run!

They do hit the ground running, into everything. How exactly do you baby proof your entire house for your tipsy toddler without making it look like a mad house? Bumpers on everything, the little outlet things that prevent them from sticking their tiny human fingers into the holes and getting electrocuted, baby gates upon baby gates but – they still get hurt. The fall on their face, they trip over their own feet, shit – they trip over the air.

Perhaps some parents are exceptions to this rule. And I was there. I laughed when my child falls (unless you’re sure the injured). He just turned three, and he’s only been injured from one of his many falls one time. (Insert cheer for sick AF mom skills) But, every time he’s dropped, and there has been laughter – the toddler death glare from hell is all too adorable with a hint of silly and serious all at the same time. Cue more laughter.

I’ve always seen “experienced” parents (what does that even mean?) tell their child that they’re okay after they fall to prevent an onslaught of tears and a total toddler meltdown. I was always skeptical and did the rush to his side thing the first couple of times he fell. They were right, don’t make a big deal about it. In fact, his first injury from falling barely startled him – and he bit his lip. I’m almost one hundred percent confident that I cried more than he did.


A few of us have a small, highly sarcastic, joke “I think I broke my child by eating deli meat.” Some doctors say you can, and some say that you can’t eat deli meat while pregnant. While we will never know the exact significance and truth to this tidbit of advice that ranges from profession to professional; my son does lick windows. Well, he did. He finally grew out of it after he turned two.

He’s licked windows at home, which is probably very amusing to those who have driven by mid window lick. He’s touched windows in public, perhaps entertaining to passersby – not so funny to a parent. “You don’t know what’s been on that window! Put your tongue in your mouth!” If parents had a dollar for every off the wall thing they would have never imagined they would say out loud, or even in their minds, I’m almost confident that we’d all be millionaires by the time our children head off to college.

What about the random nonsense your child will put in their mouth in their lifetime? Holy moly

Who would have thought that there was that many things a toddler could want to taste or suck on?

Children have chewed on almost everything. Toys, remotes, cell phones/tablets, dog toys, etc. My son has eaten on our dog’s ear, and what’s worse, she let him. He’s put shoes in his mouth, the head of his sisters Barbie doll (still attached to the body – demonic nonetheless), you name it – it’s probably seen the inside of his mouth. He had a stage in his life where he would walk around with a dog toy in his mouth and squeak it. Moms and dads couldn’t make this shit up if they tried.


They’ve started talking … where do you go from here? Hell, you go to hell. Have you ever wondered what it was like to have a parrot? A toddler is like a human parent. You say it, and they say it. They just don’t say it at the most opportune time.

We were grabbing a quick snack at the drive through after a doctor’s appointment and, as I am paying the person at the window my son screams, “Move your ass, a stupid car.” I am guilty of talking to myself while driving and even guilty of doing so with my son in the car. However, this was not as embarrassing as it was when my son dropped something in a restaurant and screamed: “what the fuck” – that one is courtesy of his daddy. Did I mention that the restaurant was so quiet you could hear a feather drop? Yep.

Moral of the story, if you don’t want your kids to say it … well, there is no moral of the story. Toddlers talk and talk and talk. They repeat everything you say. And by everything – I mean literally everything.

Spend too much money shopping? Don’t say anything in front of your kids, people. Just don’t do it. The other day, I took my toddler with me to The Children’s Place and admittedly I spent too much money.

The Super Mini Human

Your mini human(s) are consistently evolving, growing, learning, and adapting. Everyone has the answer to what you should and shouldn’t do with or without your little bundles. Don’t eat this; they can’t touch that, don’t like them talk that way. You grew that toddler incubated him or her for nine months. That’s about 270 days or 6,480 hours, and a whopping 388,800 minutes – give or take some time. That baby who has just evolved into a toddler is yours and your SO’s creation. You decide if your child can chew on a (preferably clean) dog toy if he or she can lick your sliding glass door’s window. You created that human, and you’re doing a damn good job raising that tiny human.

Hannah Tong is the founder of Omaby.com, a blog dedicated to providing advice on mother and childcare and truthful information. She loves taking care of her kids and teaching them the right things. She is enthusiastic and loves sharing her experiences about how to protect family’s health. Check the latest article (Enfamil Gentlease Reviews) here.